Cheap shot

So, yeah... the poll is a cheap shot at attention... and humour. Ahaha... Because I am so lame. But I'm just curious cos I cannot tahan pedas. Also, at the time I requested a poll recommendation, I had some funky idea, and by the time I could do the poll, it flew off my mind.

Smile and participate before it gets replaced by something more serious. As for the forehead issue, not enough response man... I prolly gotta go over there with my measuring tape and a chart.

You know something, I think I am queer. I've been told so, and I feel so. Sometimes, difference is a novelty... sometimes, it ostracises you. Oh well... whatever makes me happy. Now, let me share with everyone my 2 pet causes. I'm not Miss Earth, I know... but I have pet causes ok. People think it's weird. Some get shocked. But hey... a little sharing goes a long way.

1) AIDS is so scary... but it's increasing in statistics. And it doesn't help in education because to discuss it is taboo. Seriously. I'm sure, even if we meet, we're not going to talk about it face to face. I guess behind the screen is always easier to speak of something so heretic to society. See, my pet cause is to be protected. It's that simple to keep AIDS at bay. Buying the condom shouldn't be too embarrasing or difficult for anyone who decides to have some 'responsibility'. It is almost safe against diseases and unplanned pregnancies. With proper knowledge of its appropriate usage, we can beat the statistics and save babies born with the disease. But then... some argue about religion getting in the way of the condom. If they're gonna have pre/ extra marital sex anyway, still think about the sperms dying meh?

Anyway, out of the millions of sperms produced by the male at any one time (assuming ideal conditions), only ONE will fertilise the egg and the rest will die. So talk about the condom suffocating millions of sperm? I think saving ONE life is better than saving ONE sperm.

Also, all women should undergo a HIV test before planning a family. I'm sure we all trust the man we're gonna wed eventually... but sometimes, you'll just never know. And the lifelong suffering that comes along with it is gonna be way too heavy to accept.

Ok, that was long... but I already curbed myself from going into details. And it is difficult for Muslims to talk about sex. I'm talking about societal issues and the fate of the world!

2) Saving the Earth. I mean, within our means. How many of you have got a closet filled with plastic bags??? See, what we can do is simple. Carry washable shopping bags. They look so unfashionable but let's not risk the Earth's life further. Be it your mama shop, your Ah Boon store or the hypermarket, bring your shopping bag. It's a cloth bag that you can stuff into your glove box, or your trunk, or even your pocket! Ladies, if you can hold your wallet and handphone in your palm, why not carry this nicely folded shopping bag? Do not ask for more plastic bags than needed. You don't need it eventhough it's free.

Sometimes, we have to make a conscientious effort. So, before I go into details about how the Earth is ailing, let me conclude my 2 pet causes. I share it if I can. Sometimes it gets weird, but I know that people do listen.

With knowledge, people can make calculated choices.
Everyone deserves to choose life.

Polls

Do you know how to create polls on blogger? Is it possible? Or are there some funky widgets out there that enables poll creation? It'd be fun.

:)

Yes, it's now 0621h! I welcome Mondays with a smile.

Incredible!

Incredibly lazy, that is... in updating this blog.

Nothing much to write.

Though I might confess soon.

Aiyah... too many things ricocheting in this head of mine.
Do you know I've a very broad forehead?
Speaking of which, can I do a poll of those of you* who also have one mighty broad jendul?
Please reply in comments. (can also provide info for those* who have it, but don't come in here)

See, I always digress.

Oh ya, for those* who wants their confidentiality kept (for the jendul matter), please email me.

P/S:
Afifah - I passed 3 books to your mom, I think.
1) The Rule of Four
2) Like a Flowing River
3) Blood and Gold
I recommend you read (3), and (2) is easily readable... nice to share. Your mom took it cos you know, she knows you adore Coelho too. Finish up (3) soon so by the time you come here, you can bury your face in my Anne Rice section. To know what else to read, go to my LIBRARYTHING link on the left. It's as much I've managed to catalogue.

Mak Jang - Happy Birthday!
Had I known, it was, well, your birthday... when you came, I would've baked something. You know, I need an opportunity to exercise my interest. I call it an interest, not hobby. Cos I do it oh so seldom-ly. Yes, occasional is the word. And thanks for bringing me around the hospitals. It was interesting and insightful. Plus I get to observe the different local characters. Come again soon!

The 3 girls - Re: SPM results
I already know... Please share how to get countless 'A's. It's already very very very good... I mean very very very very good! And Jana... 12 As?!!!

As always. I'm such a geek.
Thank God I look otherwise (although it has its pros and cons).

Ok, I will write soon.
I promise.

In the meanwhile, please please update me on your* (and the rest's) foreheads.
*Only blood relations applicable.

Peace.

Thoughts...

It's 0242h and I need to sleep... but what I just did was crunched my way through a whole bag of keropok ikan! You know... the jumbo pack type! Hold on, let me check - 200g! Yeah, start shaking your head. I'm shaking mine too... while tsk-ing.

Can't sleep. Suddenly, I feel my mind at a juncture I can't point a finger at. You know, we are all realists, cos idealism always seem so far. Yet something just clicked in me, that I'm moving on into idealism while being a realist. Is this trouble?

I mean, it's possible to have such a balance, isn't it?

I'm not beating myself up over it, but I just feel like something is just off-balance inside and outside, it's seemingly smooth. Is this the calm before the storm? Or am I already in the eye?

Please enlighten the young one.

(And no, you can't have the keropoks just because I might have tempted you. It's nasty, really... after a big bag. Now just let me down it with some Pepsi...)

I kid you not. :-(

What's so wrong?

Over the long CNY weekend, there was a whole selection of movies to watch, offered by the various channels. Being me, I turned to the unusual, which is to tune in to the malay channel, Suria. Festivities drive me crazy. The least I need is for the main channels to run noisy adverts. Anyway, I watched 4 movies overall! (Which is quite an achievement actually... in malay some more!) The winners were:

1) Trauma
2) Sepet
3) Ungu Violet (indon)
4) Gubra

I thought the directors for all these 4 were amazing... either that, or I didn't realise how much I've missed out from malay films.

Trauma was almost a perfect thriller cos the director was subtle in letting us in on the schemes... until he/she did frequent flashbacks during its peak. Bummer.

Sepet was very sweet. Funny in parts. Significant in today's society as well. I don't understand how it is a taboo to date another race. If there's one thing I hate in this world, it is discrimination. And hypocrisy. Ok, that's two things... but aren't we all generations borne out of different cultures and races? But the ending... aiyah... it was so predictable but since it was such a sweet movie, I half expected a happily-ever-after ending.

Ungu Violet is another sweet movie. Towards the end, you thought it's going to be a predictable tear jerker... But hey... love makes the world go round. Isn't ungu violet in malay?

Then finally, Gubra. It's a sequel to Sepet. I thought it didn't cover much on Orked's life (I need the dots joined from that Sepet ending!) cos it made me focus more on the other story going on at the kampung. That, I don't know how real... but it is, however, crucial in educating the viewers. That disease which is so unmentionable it becomes forsaken... forgotten... all because of ignorance and weakness. I think it's a good movie but I read reviews which said that it should be banned! What? Any movie that educates should never be banned. Taboos are meant to be discussed... especially if it becomes one. Anyway, violence isn't glorified here at all... unlike most mainstream movies.

It feels so good to watch malay movies once in a while. =)
Except that I understand by reading the subtitles. =(

Notices due

Notice 1:
Apologies for irregular updates;
for keeping out of touch with some people, even when I know I should

Notice 2:
I'm not inspired enough to write

Notice 3:
Congratulations to Uncle ****** (daddy's only brother) for ... you know... should it be classified info? (But already a very public figure huh?)

Notice 4:
Tok Bang, I hope your eye op is a success.

Notice 5:
Afiqah and Aqela, you must be waiting for results right? Is Aqela in the blog circle? (if not, rope her in!) Well, Afiqah, it's cool that you're volunteering with the zoo! I so wanted to do that you know... Not the most glamourous of jobs, veterinary is, but you know what is rewarding. Don't think about the fact that veterinary is probably the toughest course ever! =) Read up more, volunteer and get more experience.

Notice 6 is a reminder:
Everyday I hear the rustle of the leaves as the wind blows... even if it's a slight rustle, I hear it calling to me... Sometimes, it sounds like laughter, like a tribal dance celebrating life.. sometimes they pour out their hearts telling me how everyone walks past it without acknowledging them. Suddenly the rustling seems to me as though it has its arms flailing frantically, shouting, "Hello! Hello! I'm here, do you see me?" (we all CAN see, but DO we see?)

You know I keep reminding everyone, don't forget the trees, the leaves... the very essence that creates the webs of life. What is the use? I don't know... When I have the urge to share it, I will. Maybe it annoys you, maybe it puts a smile on your face. We never forget God... yet sometimes we overlook the important manifestations of life. It never fails to intrigue me and make me wonder. I'm sure Tok Kamil will understand what I mean. He is after all, the "rambling man who rambles what he wonders". Maybe I can't put my thoughts into palatable sentences (yet?). I begin with baby steps, talking about the trees who love us so. I hope that one day, I can join the dots. Till then, bear with the incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry I cannot always put a point across, sharp but sweet.

Until I find the intermediary dots, I will continue to share the little bits and pieces I see (or feel). This is, after all, my diary, no? :-)

You know, even when I don't make an effort to drop by doesn't mean that I've forgotten you all... I have got a lot of love to share. But funny how when we actually meet, we don't talk to one another like how we write to each other.

=) peace

Yawwnnnn....

I had to go to school by 0845 but I didn't wake up till 0700! So I was about half an hour late for my "compulsory workshop". In case you all didn't know, I'm graduating soon, so I have to attend this workshop on resume writing. Thankfully, the auditorium was packed so I guess the speaker had to wait quite a while for the crowd to settle down. Hence, I did not miss a thing! Perfect.

We had refreshments which was great because I was starving and I didn't have any money, since I didn't have time to draw some cash from the atm. It's pathetic I know... but such is the life of a student, ey? So I had my morning coffee, sandwiches and guess what. Fried rice! Carbohydrate overload is not good for morning workshops. You get too sluggish. So I struggled to stay awake througout the workshop as the speaker went on and on citing examples. Thank goodness for printouts. I had slept barely 3 hours last night, studying in bed. I survived the workshop. Even got me a certificate of participation! Who will ever want to check this certificate?! Hahaha...

The afternoon sun was scorching today and I had to walk in it, to go to the NUS Medical Library. Believe it or not, it was intolerable, plus I was still feeling groggy... I actually opened up my umbrella to give me some shade as I walked. It was quite a walk cos I had to wear the wrong shoes. Women... vanity does come with a price. I got my textbooks and made my way back... literally across Singapore, lugging 3 textbooks, a heavy file, and a handbag, in the scorching hot sun... in a pair or wrong shoes. My hands weren't even available to hold an umbrella by then.

I managed to get a seat in the train and rarely do I sleep in the train... I did it today. I just dozed off. I woke up suddenly conscious of myself cos my head was upturned, and I think my mouth was agape! Talk about embarrassing... It is absolutely embarrassing. I hope I didn't snore or choke on saliva or something. At least I didn't drool! hahaha... At least I didn't miss my stop! I woke up 2 stations before mine so I had to sit and stare at my books cos I didn't want to see anyone snickering at me, which could get me grumpy.

I finally reached my station, bought 2 cream buns, and took a bus to the community club near my place. If you didn't know, I could walk there, but I had to be a weak and lazy princess, taking the bus for 2 stops. Plus it had rained and I didn't wanna ruin my pretty "wrong shoes". (No wonder it was so sunny) I had my lunch and went to the reading room to study. It was cold and I got even more sluggish and groggier... So I tried to nap with my head on the table as all students do. I could've gone home first to nap, but I would sleep till tomorrow and not get any studying done. Nothing seemed right, or comfortable... and this poor princess hid at the corner of the room, sitting on the floor with her head propped against the table's metal stand. When you're tired like that, you have to listen to your body. So I surrendered myself to slumber even when it was such a weird position and at the most unlikely place.

Managed to nap for an hour, waking up with a sore bum, creases on my face, and carpet burns on my hands. Even so, you know what 1-hour naps do for you, don't ya? It revitalises you! So yeah... I studied thereafter. It was all good. :-)

On my way back, I met my 2 taekwondo instructors giving lessons at the courtyard. Oh my god... They were asking me to come back for lessons. Should be convenient since they now teach nearer to my house. But it has been about 4-5 years since I did taekwondo. My Sir reminded me that I left it hanging behind, and I've got only 1 (or 2) grading(s) left to get my black belt. It sounds like a good plan. But 4 years is a long time away from taekwondo! I doubt I can do a jumping backthrust or the whatever hibber jibbers they do. I'm not in the shape for such things. (which makes it even more imperative I do it!) So yeah... I'll think about it. I would be the oldest member there! The group consisted of little kids... I would be one of the most senior though. Ahaha... Yeah, I'm trying to be more optimistic on this issue.

"always look on, the bright side of life... *whistles*"

My Sir compromised with me. That even if I don't return to get my black belt, I should still be in the taekwondo scene... as I used to. This consists of volunteering during tournaments and events as one of the officers. I'd check the nails, the paddings (see, I even forgot what those things are called!), sign them in, etc. Whatever I have to do to make sure the fighters comply with the rules. He tried to tempt me with a good deal... for the taekwondo open, which will include fighters from all over the world, as a liason officer, or whatever I wanna do.

I'll think about it... it'll be great to get back in the circle... but I will not be a student anymore. My time might be equal to money by then. Did I not just learn to write a resume?!

I'm not sure what the future holds for me yet... even if it's 6 months.

I need sleep. Look, I can't even write grammatically right sentences. Don't wanna have to sleep on the reading room floor tomorrow.

Upcoming exams:
- Clinical Data Management
- Diseases and their Treatments
- Dissertation

Let me pass out now.

Thank you for reading my long, boring entry.

Love those colours!

Sorry everyone... I've been really busy. I've barely the time to blog and read your blogs. Even if I use the little time I have to blog, I have no inspiration. Been pretty much brain dead these days.

Can't wait to be officially unemployed. Really soon. Then, probably I'd give the blog a facelift, update some features and probably let you have a peek at my "ambitious space" link. Truth be told, I don't even know where to start for that one! That one will really need a jumpstart! :D

I can't believe a year is coming to and end. I still wanna be a student with no worries other than studies. Is this what they mean by good things will come to an end? The things which come in phases, that we won't realise it's good until it has passed us by... Is this also what they meant by, we don't know what we're missing till we lose it?

I guess life is too short for regrets. So everyone, cherish every little moments that you live through, be it with your loved ones, or even doing the simplest things like walking and eating. There are many things we have taken for granted. I heard our laurels aren't meant to be sat on...

:-)

Well, seriously, I read somewhere that based on the study on the evolution of mankind, our physique is not made for sitting! I'm not sure if it's true cos I'm too lazy to research on that now. Can you imagine that?! Not sitting...

Couches and chairs would never be invented! Let's imagine then... our mode of lounging.

You will now have to ponder over:
1) what we have done the past year
2) what if we couldn't sit on our butts

Diarna likes to make you think.

You should.

Go ahead and stimulate those grey matter.

Cos when we take it for granted and get complacent, they can degenerate.

They're God's gift you know...

Just like the trees that recycle our air.

Give them (the brain, the tree, and everything that you have taken for granted... just not the TV!) a hug and tell them how much you appreciate them.

It's the thought that counts... So yes, you may do a "mental" hug.

:-D

Hey, I did manage to write a lot!


:-) Peace.

The Tears of the Desert

I have finally finished marking the whole level. I was deprived of sleep. Thanks to Fazrul for helping me out. Next race, exams, which begins next week. Pathological Basis of Medicine. The week after, Project Management for Pharmaceutical Development.

I've typed out this short story from my current favourite author's new book. (Which I had for almost a month already). Just to share it with you, please read the following.

It's time to break fast now. I made spiced porridge with minced chicken. At least on this rare Saturday, everyone is home to eat.

---------------------------------------------

A friend of mine returns from Morocco with a beautiful story about a missionary who, as soon as he arrived in Marrakesh, decided that he would go for a walk every morning in the desert that lay just outside the city. The first time he did this, he noticed a man lying down, with his ear pressed to the ground and stroking the sand with one hand.

"He's obviously mad," the missionary said to himself.

But the scene was repeated every day, and after a month, intrigued by this strange behaviour, he decided to speak to the stranger. With great difficulty, since he was not yet fluent in Arabic, he knelt down by his side.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm keeping the desert company and offering it consolation for its loneliness and its tears."

"It weeps every day because it dreams of being useful to people, and of being transfprmed into a vast garden where they could grow cereal crops and flowers and graze sheep."

"Well, tell the desert that it is performing an important duty," said the missionary. "whenever I walk in the desert, I understand man's true size, because its vast open space reminds me of how small we are compared with God. When I look at its sands, I imagine all the millions of people in the world who were born equal, even if the world has not always been fair to all of them. Its mountains help me to meditate, and when I see the sun coming up over the horizon, my soul fills with joy and I feel closer to the Creator."

The missionary left the man and returned to his daily tasks. Imagine his surprise when, next morning, he found the man in the same place and in the same position.

"Did you tell the desert everything that I said?"

The man nodded.

"And it's still weeping?"

"I can hear every sob. Now it's weeping because it has spent thousands of years thinking that it was completely useless and wasted all that time blaspheming against God and its own fate."

"Well, tell the desert that even though we human beings have a much shorter lifespan, we also spend much of our time thinking we're useless. We rarely discover our true destiny, and feel that God has been unjust to us. When the moment finally comes, and something happens that reveals to us the reason we were born, we think it's too late to change our life and continue to suffer, and, like the desert, blame ourselves for the time we have wasted."

"I don't know if the desert will hear that," said the man. "He's accustomed to pain, and can't see things any other way."

"Let's do what I always do when I sense that people have lost all hope. Let us pray."

The two men knelt down and prayed. One turned towards Mecca because he was a Muslim, and the other put his hands together in prayer because he was a Catholic. They each prayed to their own God, who has always been the same God, even though people insist on calling him by different names.

The following day, when the missionary went for his usual morning walk, the man was no longer there. In the place where he used to embrace the earth, the sand seemed wet, for a small spring had started bubbling up there. In the months that followed, the spring grew, and the inhabitants of the city built a well there.

The Bedouin call the place 'The Well of the Desert's Tears'. They say that anyone who drinks from its waters will find a way of transforming the reason for his suffering into the reason for his joy, and will end up finding his true destiny.

by P/a/u/l /o C//oe/l/ho

Happy birthday to me

It was my birthday on the 3rd (tuesday). Since it's a weekday, since it's Ramadan, all I did was nothing. I don't usually celebrate my birthday anyway. I feel it's a day to reflect over the past year, meet up a few close friends, enjoy a nice quiet night and a chat then go home a sleep because the next day is no different from any other days.

So this time it was quieter because I couldn't meet up anyone for lunch. I stayed in school giving the students extra lessons as their exams were on thursday. Then I dropped by the russian restaurant to meet up with the russians and I received flowers. Tradition. Haha... I just called to say I'm dropping by, which I do ever so often. It was surprising they had flowers and kisses awaiting my arrival. It's sweet they remembered it. We just sat and chatted while I waited for maghrib. I broke my fast with porridge, my friend got me from the Masjid Sultan nearby.

Then I walked down Arab St to meet a good friend I haven't met in months at the arabic 'cafe'. We had a nice quiet chat and Fazrul joined us after his classes. I took the cab home because I didn't want to walk around with flowers. If you didn't know, I am not really a 'girly' girl. It's a bit embarrassing. Haha... Also, I was tired. I reached home by midnight, washed up, and read a little before I slept. The next few weeks will be a trying time for me. Right now, I have got to mark the geography paper for the whole level. Insyaallah I can do it by tuesday.

Next in line: exams.

Since I cannot get off from school during the Eid period, I doubt I can make it up north, guys. I have to go through the examination papers with the students in that period. =(

I pray that I have the strength to run this final leg of the race. I'll be officially unemployed with paths to pave come 20th Dec. Insyaallah I can make it.

To all of you, I apologise for being so out of touch. I try with the little time I have.

God bless.

:-)

Sorry I'm so emo

I thought of happy things to input in this entry, but I couldn't think of any. I'm not feeling well, I'm experiencing a burnout. I feel emo, I feel empty. Everything has happened so fast, I'm still trying to make heads and tails out of it.

I thought I have only recently started teaching, but guess what people, I've already completed teaching the syllabus and the examinations are next week! I cannot even tell you how I have felt appreciated, yet how I have had my heart broken by these 14 year olds.

I have definitely been distracted. I feel that whatever that has happened recently, it was as though I was floating off my feet. Swaying here and there, not feeling the impact of walking. How can I relieve the moments with my feet flat on the ground? Would it have made any difference? What if I had used my brain to determine my actions instead of my heart?

I should've savoured every waking moments. At least, I could remember everything... Now all I can do is just close my eyes and imagine. What doesn't break us, makes us stronger.

Well, Ramadhan is just round the corner so I have to get myself settled nicely. Ramadhan always helps with disciplining myself. Preparing the students for exams, marking exam papers, preparing for my exams, completing my assignments, more of my exams, dissertation, then what? Await what the future has in store for me.

God, please give me the strength to soldier on.

To all of you, I do not mention your names... but I think of you, and may God Bless.

Especially you.

:-)

Happy fasting to you all.

Yet again

Ok everyone...

long day
=> distracted
=> absent-minded
=> realised phone lost 1 hour after being at home!

phone lacking useful specs
=> delayed/ difficult backing up

subs long day,
=> lost everything

Kindly sms me your contacts, everyone. Email me, whatever... Can post me a phone as well. Ahaha... Ok, back to hurrying my assignment now.

Take care, you all...
I've not forgotten you.
=?

Latest

Whoa, it's been a month since I updated the blog! So here's the latest. I have been teaching at a secondary school the past week and probably the next weeks to come. It is sudden and yes, I may be a science student but I can teach geography.

Anyway, it is tiring and all, especially when you have to reach the school by 0715h to attend the flag raising ceremony then teach half the day, prepare lessons the other half of the day then rush for my classes in the evening. I reach home after midnight lor! But know what? I just wanna push myself and test my limits as this time is very trying, being my final semester, and teaching teenagers is patience and endurance's nightmare! Yes, I wanna test my own values. A bit selfish but hey, my 280 students will gain from it as well. :-P Insyaallah. I also wanna be more regimental using this as an external force. I pray I am above all these tests I set myself.

So wish me luck. =)

So when you see me updating the blog after 0200h (weekdays), you know that I'm starting to flout my current rules. Meaning, I'm starting to lose steam. Haha...

By the way, I don't intend to pursue teaching as a career.

To all of you, have a great day and great whatever. Hope to communicate soon. Diarna doesn't forget anyone ;-)

Gonna say something touching, but you know, although you barely see me or hear from me, really, I do not forget all of you. I'm not one of saccharine words, even my hair is standing as I said it. But I meant it. So all the best in whatever is going on right now.

Love,
diarna


For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield

Dang!

The whole day... I had an idea what to input into the blog, mentally composing throughout the day. However, right now, after signing in, I've forgotten completely! It feels like I've entered the examination hall, when I've crammed everything into this tiny brain of mine, then smile as I read the questions followed by my jaw dropping as I hold my pen to write. A complete blank! Believe it or not.

So, as I idle, my body fidgeting while staring into this create entry screen, my fingers tap-a-tapping on the keyboard... I'm wondering, still... trying to recall what was that issue I had wanted to share.

20mins later

Argghhh... This is frustrating. It was something about human nature which I observe in my past time. Anyway, did you all know that I am not Singaporean? And that day, chatting with Finaz online, she mentioned that she thought I couldn't speak Malay! Ha? Saya boleh la... Walaupun slow sikit, saya faham dan boleh berbual melayu. Slow sebab tak biasa. Sama juga dengan mandarin, dan russian. Tapi kalau nak marah dalam bahasa lain selain daripada inggeris, ia sungguh susah. Sebab ni semua tak diajar di sekolah. Dan saya seorang yang sabar. Okey, saya tahu bahawa seksyen ini perlu diedit.

Watch how I've digressed. Will write again when I'm inspired.

Paulo Coelho is my current favourite author. Read, people... Read!

Why? Why? Why?

You keep visiting but you don't say a word. Why am I so bothered by the silence? Has technology really gotten to us that with machines, we can take a peek without leaving a mark. Of course it is detectable (which is why I know you visited), but the point is that, without humanly contact, you have lost the obligation to say "Hi, how have you been?". Ok, maybe obligation is too big a word. But how about courtesy? I'm not hinting on rudeness but I mean, well... a "hi" is just nice. It's just like sending over a smile, communicating over a certain degree of concern, conveying regards. Especially when you're cut off from a certain circle, the least you'd hope for is that you're not forgotten.

Maybe I think too much. Maybe deep inside, I seek attention. Maybe, I just feel neglected so I'm infecting others with my concern. Funny how you are happy with the people around you yet you feel so alone. Strange how you feel so unloved when you sit in bed late at night thinking what to do the next day, with no plans, you pick up a book... then you hunger, followed by snacking... disgust sets in at the amount of junk you stuff in your face at 4am, so you play some slow music to put you to sleep and then you wonder if anyone had thought of you in the day, and you think about the people you care for. You look out the window and observe the flats... it's all dark except a few lighted ones. Is everyone really asleep preparing themselves for the next day, day after day? How can they do that? Are they loved? Do they love?

Well, love itself is a word with many meanings... similar to that unmentionable gauche F-word. I love god. I love family. I love to observe. I love to be loved. I love nature. I love Shadow, my cat. I love my boots. I love to procrastinate. I love to read a good book. I love music. I love the fact that we are all differentiated individuals. I love to learn. I love sleeping. I love the life cycle because it regulates life. I love it when I don't watch tv. I love my friends. I love the feel of satin on my skin. I love myself for waking up in the morning to go to the gym. I love to be acknowledged. I love to experiment in the kitchen. I love to love. I love. I can love. Yet, I cannot say I love myself. Why is it always difficult to love yourself? Do I set myself too high standards? Or am I not trying hard enough? They say, we should be thankful for what we're born with. For example, I am not nurtured to procrastinate and laze. But it is also my nature. Thus, should I be thankful for it? No right? haha... I'm starting to derail by the way. Flow of thought, that is.

I don't know why there are always issues with me. (Or within me) There's always a battle between my head and heart. It's always like that, isn't it? Anyway, this entry has no point. I cannot write anymore because it is 5am. I am wide awake yet I'm so tired my back hurts. Sometimes I wish I could sleep and sleep. So, I've put the beef on the stove, making stock for the soup I want to cook tomorrow. After I log off, I'll write a list of ingredients for mummy to buy. And read to sleep. Or end up listening to children songs and reminisce to sleep.

I don't know why but I love life, yet I'm losing the confidence to live. How will you interpret that?

C'est la vie?

It really feels good to write sometimes...

1) Click to open.
2) Mouse over image.
3) Enlarge to read.

Just in case some of you can't enlarge or something,
1) Right click and save the images.
2) You can then open it and ZOOM.

Hehe... who am I kidding?!

Meow

Aren't cats the cutest things?!!!

Everybody now say "Awww...."

Obviously I was taking a breather when I chanced upon this clip. Looks like it's becoming a habit to post clips! People, tell me if it's really slow loading my page cos it loads almost instantaneously on my pc, so I don't really know.

Right now, I'm eating those Osborne crackers which Tokbang brought with laxpastej (salmon paste). Yumminess. Haha...

I will update slowly on what's been going on. On 6th May, my secondary school best friend got married! It was a simple affair so I didn't manage to meet other secondary schoolmates as there was this other girl besides myself. I met her family after so many years and they still recognised me although according to them, I "makin lawar". Hehe... Paisey... I replied casually, "skarang dah pandai pakai make-up!" Ahaha... Funny. Sometimes I say the silliest things that are unexpected. It really takes it out of the moment. Am I embarrassed? Sometimes, although there are times it alleviates sticky situations. Then again, I smile/laugh when I'm nervous, or when I don't know what to say. Well, at least it shows that I can take a jab at myself. Is this good? I know I risk being labelled a "bimbo". (But you all know I'm not one, right? Right?!!) Haha...

P/S: My jendul very wide eh? When I was in primary school, there were a few boys who teased me about my wide forehead... Because of them, I have become conscious of it cos look! It's even wider than Fazrul's lor... Wider than all my friends (no matter the race or gender). To look for me in pictures ah, just look for the sheen! Haha... Actually, not that funny ok. Luckily I "jambu". Ack! Ahahaha...

Disclaimer: This entry was posted at 0540h after a night of studying. Some whackiness is normal.

Same old, same old

Hello everyone... It's abt 0100h here and I'm taking a break before hitting the books. Tok Kamil, Tok Bang and Tok Ti are asleep and they're leaving tomorrow. They came to visit a makam and attend an event at a mosque here. Ok, gonna shower, brew coffee and study. Then this time, I won't miss them when they leave in the morning... which I did, the last time they were here. I sleep like the dead when I sleep... (choy choy choy!) haha...

Ok then, anticipate my return!

P/S: Someone really took the effort to make a real-life The Simpsons' opening clip!!! Semangat eh?

MSG

To all you old school out there!

Those who don't know, not monosodium glumate ah... aka ajinomoto.
It's the Michael Schenker Group.

Woohoo.

Marilah kita berdansa!

Is "dansa" really "dance" in malay? Haha... I'm not sure. It sounded strange as the voice read aloud the title as I typed. Well, as usual I'm gonna say I have lots of assignment to do but I'm happy cos I managed to squeeze in some reading! I just read The Amber Room and it was quite good. So now I'm really happy and should return to researching as soon as I finish this entry.

It's been raining the past few days so I've indulged in sleeping reading sleeping reading. How perfect. :-P Now I've gotta sleep research sleep research mug mug mug sleep sleep and stare at the pc with MS Word on. Haha... When I sleep, I can s.. l..e..e..p... but when I read, I r...e....a.....d..... so you can imagine when I study, I have so many textbooks plus notes... call me greedy. ~_^ Or is "kiasu" the word?! Haha... Likewise, when I have a sudden inspiration, no matter what time of the day, I can cook for hours! Then I end up cooking enough for 10 portions which will be eaten by only me and if lucky, Fazrul will try to finish everything. I doubt it's because it's not nice but really, no one in this house eats (home-cook).

I tell you, in this busy country, everyone is too used to eating out and eating fast. To sit at home and eat is but an indulgence. Which is why I miss cooking cos I still have yet to cook! Back to the busy-ness. People here love acting busy, looking busy, being busy. It's like when I say, I'm busy, it's like "wah... she's busy..." or "sorry to trouble you". Haha... funny cos I myself have been saying that I'm busy in the past few entries. Y'know, when you say you're busy, it's like this big reason (excuse) not to justify your absence (or MIA in any aspect). You reckon?

To all Singaporeans and busy people alike, when you walk as though you're in a marathon, please remember you're not in one and the people around you aren't your competitors, so don't "tsk" or frown. You inflict upon others that negativity. Smile instead. (If smiling would make you seem scary, then smile with your eyes). I don't care if you can walk faster to overtake me so you can tap your EZlink card at the gantry 8 seconds faster. Really, as fast as you all can walk, you only manage to shave off 10mins max, depending on distance. So please let (whichever mode of public transport) passangers alight before you do and when you do, I hope you're in the queue and not trying to squeeze in! It's so unfair to gracious people like me, squeaking "excuse me" as I wait in line and get pushed to the back or worse, under someone's armpits. Ok, I'm not playing victim but as timid as I am, I try stand my upright posture (thank the genes for broad shoulders) and do my "stare in bewilderment" to such abhorent ungraciousness hoping for some breathing space. Otherwise, I run my hands through my long curly hair and somehow, that scares people off. There's this kampung notion that long curly hair is a hot spot for kutu. Not that anyone mentions it but you can see it in everyone's reaction and no, it does not stink la. For the record, I love my long hair and I want it longer! Look at how I've deviated to condescend the lack of grace in this society!

What I wanted to say though, was, why is everyone always rushing? You rush to gain 5-10mins for what? Why not not rush, and take in the environment. See how the trees lining the pavement is doing. It's the flowering season now, did you notice that? See how the grass is doing. Is it as dry and yellow as it was last month? See how clean the pavement really is. Have we taken cleanliness for granted? See how the people in front of you are rushing. Do you really need to rush? You know, if you're in heels and your pants are getting tighter, the rushing could be pretty unflattering from the back. :-P So walk at a moderate pace for decency (and vanity). You tone your muscles better (especially if you walk long distances). Check out the clouds overhead. Do you see any nimbus (rain) clouds? Seek the silver lining in the sky and let that make your day. There's so much more to life than rushing off to busy-ness, really. Please switch off that TV and read the newspaper with a cuppa instead. Is there too much propaganda in print? How are our neighbours doing? How is our environment coping? What has degenerated? What has improved? ... ... ... Aren't we so lucky? :-) Thank Him.

So please, don't forget to hug the tree and thank it. Just think of a reason to thank it. There's so much to thank it for =)


For those who need a laugh at senseless behaviour ataupun mahu belajar berdansa style yang amatlah cool, click here