Yawwnnnn....

I had to go to school by 0845 but I didn't wake up till 0700! So I was about half an hour late for my "compulsory workshop". In case you all didn't know, I'm graduating soon, so I have to attend this workshop on resume writing. Thankfully, the auditorium was packed so I guess the speaker had to wait quite a while for the crowd to settle down. Hence, I did not miss a thing! Perfect.

We had refreshments which was great because I was starving and I didn't have any money, since I didn't have time to draw some cash from the atm. It's pathetic I know... but such is the life of a student, ey? So I had my morning coffee, sandwiches and guess what. Fried rice! Carbohydrate overload is not good for morning workshops. You get too sluggish. So I struggled to stay awake througout the workshop as the speaker went on and on citing examples. Thank goodness for printouts. I had slept barely 3 hours last night, studying in bed. I survived the workshop. Even got me a certificate of participation! Who will ever want to check this certificate?! Hahaha...

The afternoon sun was scorching today and I had to walk in it, to go to the NUS Medical Library. Believe it or not, it was intolerable, plus I was still feeling groggy... I actually opened up my umbrella to give me some shade as I walked. It was quite a walk cos I had to wear the wrong shoes. Women... vanity does come with a price. I got my textbooks and made my way back... literally across Singapore, lugging 3 textbooks, a heavy file, and a handbag, in the scorching hot sun... in a pair or wrong shoes. My hands weren't even available to hold an umbrella by then.

I managed to get a seat in the train and rarely do I sleep in the train... I did it today. I just dozed off. I woke up suddenly conscious of myself cos my head was upturned, and I think my mouth was agape! Talk about embarrassing... It is absolutely embarrassing. I hope I didn't snore or choke on saliva or something. At least I didn't drool! hahaha... At least I didn't miss my stop! I woke up 2 stations before mine so I had to sit and stare at my books cos I didn't want to see anyone snickering at me, which could get me grumpy.

I finally reached my station, bought 2 cream buns, and took a bus to the community club near my place. If you didn't know, I could walk there, but I had to be a weak and lazy princess, taking the bus for 2 stops. Plus it had rained and I didn't wanna ruin my pretty "wrong shoes". (No wonder it was so sunny) I had my lunch and went to the reading room to study. It was cold and I got even more sluggish and groggier... So I tried to nap with my head on the table as all students do. I could've gone home first to nap, but I would sleep till tomorrow and not get any studying done. Nothing seemed right, or comfortable... and this poor princess hid at the corner of the room, sitting on the floor with her head propped against the table's metal stand. When you're tired like that, you have to listen to your body. So I surrendered myself to slumber even when it was such a weird position and at the most unlikely place.

Managed to nap for an hour, waking up with a sore bum, creases on my face, and carpet burns on my hands. Even so, you know what 1-hour naps do for you, don't ya? It revitalises you! So yeah... I studied thereafter. It was all good. :-)

On my way back, I met my 2 taekwondo instructors giving lessons at the courtyard. Oh my god... They were asking me to come back for lessons. Should be convenient since they now teach nearer to my house. But it has been about 4-5 years since I did taekwondo. My Sir reminded me that I left it hanging behind, and I've got only 1 (or 2) grading(s) left to get my black belt. It sounds like a good plan. But 4 years is a long time away from taekwondo! I doubt I can do a jumping backthrust or the whatever hibber jibbers they do. I'm not in the shape for such things. (which makes it even more imperative I do it!) So yeah... I'll think about it. I would be the oldest member there! The group consisted of little kids... I would be one of the most senior though. Ahaha... Yeah, I'm trying to be more optimistic on this issue.

"always look on, the bright side of life... *whistles*"

My Sir compromised with me. That even if I don't return to get my black belt, I should still be in the taekwondo scene... as I used to. This consists of volunteering during tournaments and events as one of the officers. I'd check the nails, the paddings (see, I even forgot what those things are called!), sign them in, etc. Whatever I have to do to make sure the fighters comply with the rules. He tried to tempt me with a good deal... for the taekwondo open, which will include fighters from all over the world, as a liason officer, or whatever I wanna do.

I'll think about it... it'll be great to get back in the circle... but I will not be a student anymore. My time might be equal to money by then. Did I not just learn to write a resume?!

I'm not sure what the future holds for me yet... even if it's 6 months.

I need sleep. Look, I can't even write grammatically right sentences. Don't wanna have to sleep on the reading room floor tomorrow.

Upcoming exams:
- Clinical Data Management
- Diseases and their Treatments
- Dissertation

Let me pass out now.

Thank you for reading my long, boring entry.

Love those colours!

Sorry everyone... I've been really busy. I've barely the time to blog and read your blogs. Even if I use the little time I have to blog, I have no inspiration. Been pretty much brain dead these days.

Can't wait to be officially unemployed. Really soon. Then, probably I'd give the blog a facelift, update some features and probably let you have a peek at my "ambitious space" link. Truth be told, I don't even know where to start for that one! That one will really need a jumpstart! :D

I can't believe a year is coming to and end. I still wanna be a student with no worries other than studies. Is this what they mean by good things will come to an end? The things which come in phases, that we won't realise it's good until it has passed us by... Is this also what they meant by, we don't know what we're missing till we lose it?

I guess life is too short for regrets. So everyone, cherish every little moments that you live through, be it with your loved ones, or even doing the simplest things like walking and eating. There are many things we have taken for granted. I heard our laurels aren't meant to be sat on...

:-)

Well, seriously, I read somewhere that based on the study on the evolution of mankind, our physique is not made for sitting! I'm not sure if it's true cos I'm too lazy to research on that now. Can you imagine that?! Not sitting...

Couches and chairs would never be invented! Let's imagine then... our mode of lounging.

You will now have to ponder over:
1) what we have done the past year
2) what if we couldn't sit on our butts

Diarna likes to make you think.

You should.

Go ahead and stimulate those grey matter.

Cos when we take it for granted and get complacent, they can degenerate.

They're God's gift you know...

Just like the trees that recycle our air.

Give them (the brain, the tree, and everything that you have taken for granted... just not the TV!) a hug and tell them how much you appreciate them.

It's the thought that counts... So yes, you may do a "mental" hug.

:-D

Hey, I did manage to write a lot!


:-) Peace.

The Tears of the Desert

I have finally finished marking the whole level. I was deprived of sleep. Thanks to Fazrul for helping me out. Next race, exams, which begins next week. Pathological Basis of Medicine. The week after, Project Management for Pharmaceutical Development.

I've typed out this short story from my current favourite author's new book. (Which I had for almost a month already). Just to share it with you, please read the following.

It's time to break fast now. I made spiced porridge with minced chicken. At least on this rare Saturday, everyone is home to eat.

---------------------------------------------

A friend of mine returns from Morocco with a beautiful story about a missionary who, as soon as he arrived in Marrakesh, decided that he would go for a walk every morning in the desert that lay just outside the city. The first time he did this, he noticed a man lying down, with his ear pressed to the ground and stroking the sand with one hand.

"He's obviously mad," the missionary said to himself.

But the scene was repeated every day, and after a month, intrigued by this strange behaviour, he decided to speak to the stranger. With great difficulty, since he was not yet fluent in Arabic, he knelt down by his side.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm keeping the desert company and offering it consolation for its loneliness and its tears."

"It weeps every day because it dreams of being useful to people, and of being transfprmed into a vast garden where they could grow cereal crops and flowers and graze sheep."

"Well, tell the desert that it is performing an important duty," said the missionary. "whenever I walk in the desert, I understand man's true size, because its vast open space reminds me of how small we are compared with God. When I look at its sands, I imagine all the millions of people in the world who were born equal, even if the world has not always been fair to all of them. Its mountains help me to meditate, and when I see the sun coming up over the horizon, my soul fills with joy and I feel closer to the Creator."

The missionary left the man and returned to his daily tasks. Imagine his surprise when, next morning, he found the man in the same place and in the same position.

"Did you tell the desert everything that I said?"

The man nodded.

"And it's still weeping?"

"I can hear every sob. Now it's weeping because it has spent thousands of years thinking that it was completely useless and wasted all that time blaspheming against God and its own fate."

"Well, tell the desert that even though we human beings have a much shorter lifespan, we also spend much of our time thinking we're useless. We rarely discover our true destiny, and feel that God has been unjust to us. When the moment finally comes, and something happens that reveals to us the reason we were born, we think it's too late to change our life and continue to suffer, and, like the desert, blame ourselves for the time we have wasted."

"I don't know if the desert will hear that," said the man. "He's accustomed to pain, and can't see things any other way."

"Let's do what I always do when I sense that people have lost all hope. Let us pray."

The two men knelt down and prayed. One turned towards Mecca because he was a Muslim, and the other put his hands together in prayer because he was a Catholic. They each prayed to their own God, who has always been the same God, even though people insist on calling him by different names.

The following day, when the missionary went for his usual morning walk, the man was no longer there. In the place where he used to embrace the earth, the sand seemed wet, for a small spring had started bubbling up there. In the months that followed, the spring grew, and the inhabitants of the city built a well there.

The Bedouin call the place 'The Well of the Desert's Tears'. They say that anyone who drinks from its waters will find a way of transforming the reason for his suffering into the reason for his joy, and will end up finding his true destiny.

by P/a/u/l /o C//oe/l/ho

Happy birthday to me

It was my birthday on the 3rd (tuesday). Since it's a weekday, since it's Ramadan, all I did was nothing. I don't usually celebrate my birthday anyway. I feel it's a day to reflect over the past year, meet up a few close friends, enjoy a nice quiet night and a chat then go home a sleep because the next day is no different from any other days.

So this time it was quieter because I couldn't meet up anyone for lunch. I stayed in school giving the students extra lessons as their exams were on thursday. Then I dropped by the russian restaurant to meet up with the russians and I received flowers. Tradition. Haha... I just called to say I'm dropping by, which I do ever so often. It was surprising they had flowers and kisses awaiting my arrival. It's sweet they remembered it. We just sat and chatted while I waited for maghrib. I broke my fast with porridge, my friend got me from the Masjid Sultan nearby.

Then I walked down Arab St to meet a good friend I haven't met in months at the arabic 'cafe'. We had a nice quiet chat and Fazrul joined us after his classes. I took the cab home because I didn't want to walk around with flowers. If you didn't know, I am not really a 'girly' girl. It's a bit embarrassing. Haha... Also, I was tired. I reached home by midnight, washed up, and read a little before I slept. The next few weeks will be a trying time for me. Right now, I have got to mark the geography paper for the whole level. Insyaallah I can do it by tuesday.

Next in line: exams.

Since I cannot get off from school during the Eid period, I doubt I can make it up north, guys. I have to go through the examination papers with the students in that period. =(

I pray that I have the strength to run this final leg of the race. I'll be officially unemployed with paths to pave come 20th Dec. Insyaallah I can make it.

To all of you, I apologise for being so out of touch. I try with the little time I have.

God bless.

:-)

Sorry I'm so emo

I thought of happy things to input in this entry, but I couldn't think of any. I'm not feeling well, I'm experiencing a burnout. I feel emo, I feel empty. Everything has happened so fast, I'm still trying to make heads and tails out of it.

I thought I have only recently started teaching, but guess what people, I've already completed teaching the syllabus and the examinations are next week! I cannot even tell you how I have felt appreciated, yet how I have had my heart broken by these 14 year olds.

I have definitely been distracted. I feel that whatever that has happened recently, it was as though I was floating off my feet. Swaying here and there, not feeling the impact of walking. How can I relieve the moments with my feet flat on the ground? Would it have made any difference? What if I had used my brain to determine my actions instead of my heart?

I should've savoured every waking moments. At least, I could remember everything... Now all I can do is just close my eyes and imagine. What doesn't break us, makes us stronger.

Well, Ramadhan is just round the corner so I have to get myself settled nicely. Ramadhan always helps with disciplining myself. Preparing the students for exams, marking exam papers, preparing for my exams, completing my assignments, more of my exams, dissertation, then what? Await what the future has in store for me.

God, please give me the strength to soldier on.

To all of you, I do not mention your names... but I think of you, and may God Bless.

Especially you.

:-)

Happy fasting to you all.

Yet again

Ok everyone...

long day
=> distracted
=> absent-minded
=> realised phone lost 1 hour after being at home!

phone lacking useful specs
=> delayed/ difficult backing up

subs long day,
=> lost everything

Kindly sms me your contacts, everyone. Email me, whatever... Can post me a phone as well. Ahaha... Ok, back to hurrying my assignment now.

Take care, you all...
I've not forgotten you.
=?

Latest

Whoa, it's been a month since I updated the blog! So here's the latest. I have been teaching at a secondary school the past week and probably the next weeks to come. It is sudden and yes, I may be a science student but I can teach geography.

Anyway, it is tiring and all, especially when you have to reach the school by 0715h to attend the flag raising ceremony then teach half the day, prepare lessons the other half of the day then rush for my classes in the evening. I reach home after midnight lor! But know what? I just wanna push myself and test my limits as this time is very trying, being my final semester, and teaching teenagers is patience and endurance's nightmare! Yes, I wanna test my own values. A bit selfish but hey, my 280 students will gain from it as well. :-P Insyaallah. I also wanna be more regimental using this as an external force. I pray I am above all these tests I set myself.

So wish me luck. =)

So when you see me updating the blog after 0200h (weekdays), you know that I'm starting to flout my current rules. Meaning, I'm starting to lose steam. Haha...

By the way, I don't intend to pursue teaching as a career.

To all of you, have a great day and great whatever. Hope to communicate soon. Diarna doesn't forget anyone ;-)

Gonna say something touching, but you know, although you barely see me or hear from me, really, I do not forget all of you. I'm not one of saccharine words, even my hair is standing as I said it. But I meant it. So all the best in whatever is going on right now.

Love,
diarna


For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield

Dang!

The whole day... I had an idea what to input into the blog, mentally composing throughout the day. However, right now, after signing in, I've forgotten completely! It feels like I've entered the examination hall, when I've crammed everything into this tiny brain of mine, then smile as I read the questions followed by my jaw dropping as I hold my pen to write. A complete blank! Believe it or not.

So, as I idle, my body fidgeting while staring into this create entry screen, my fingers tap-a-tapping on the keyboard... I'm wondering, still... trying to recall what was that issue I had wanted to share.

20mins later

Argghhh... This is frustrating. It was something about human nature which I observe in my past time. Anyway, did you all know that I am not Singaporean? And that day, chatting with Finaz online, she mentioned that she thought I couldn't speak Malay! Ha? Saya boleh la... Walaupun slow sikit, saya faham dan boleh berbual melayu. Slow sebab tak biasa. Sama juga dengan mandarin, dan russian. Tapi kalau nak marah dalam bahasa lain selain daripada inggeris, ia sungguh susah. Sebab ni semua tak diajar di sekolah. Dan saya seorang yang sabar. Okey, saya tahu bahawa seksyen ini perlu diedit.

Watch how I've digressed. Will write again when I'm inspired.

Paulo Coelho is my current favourite author. Read, people... Read!

Why? Why? Why?

You keep visiting but you don't say a word. Why am I so bothered by the silence? Has technology really gotten to us that with machines, we can take a peek without leaving a mark. Of course it is detectable (which is why I know you visited), but the point is that, without humanly contact, you have lost the obligation to say "Hi, how have you been?". Ok, maybe obligation is too big a word. But how about courtesy? I'm not hinting on rudeness but I mean, well... a "hi" is just nice. It's just like sending over a smile, communicating over a certain degree of concern, conveying regards. Especially when you're cut off from a certain circle, the least you'd hope for is that you're not forgotten.

Maybe I think too much. Maybe deep inside, I seek attention. Maybe, I just feel neglected so I'm infecting others with my concern. Funny how you are happy with the people around you yet you feel so alone. Strange how you feel so unloved when you sit in bed late at night thinking what to do the next day, with no plans, you pick up a book... then you hunger, followed by snacking... disgust sets in at the amount of junk you stuff in your face at 4am, so you play some slow music to put you to sleep and then you wonder if anyone had thought of you in the day, and you think about the people you care for. You look out the window and observe the flats... it's all dark except a few lighted ones. Is everyone really asleep preparing themselves for the next day, day after day? How can they do that? Are they loved? Do they love?

Well, love itself is a word with many meanings... similar to that unmentionable gauche F-word. I love god. I love family. I love to observe. I love to be loved. I love nature. I love Shadow, my cat. I love my boots. I love to procrastinate. I love to read a good book. I love music. I love the fact that we are all differentiated individuals. I love to learn. I love sleeping. I love the life cycle because it regulates life. I love it when I don't watch tv. I love my friends. I love the feel of satin on my skin. I love myself for waking up in the morning to go to the gym. I love to be acknowledged. I love to experiment in the kitchen. I love to love. I love. I can love. Yet, I cannot say I love myself. Why is it always difficult to love yourself? Do I set myself too high standards? Or am I not trying hard enough? They say, we should be thankful for what we're born with. For example, I am not nurtured to procrastinate and laze. But it is also my nature. Thus, should I be thankful for it? No right? haha... I'm starting to derail by the way. Flow of thought, that is.

I don't know why there are always issues with me. (Or within me) There's always a battle between my head and heart. It's always like that, isn't it? Anyway, this entry has no point. I cannot write anymore because it is 5am. I am wide awake yet I'm so tired my back hurts. Sometimes I wish I could sleep and sleep. So, I've put the beef on the stove, making stock for the soup I want to cook tomorrow. After I log off, I'll write a list of ingredients for mummy to buy. And read to sleep. Or end up listening to children songs and reminisce to sleep.

I don't know why but I love life, yet I'm losing the confidence to live. How will you interpret that?

C'est la vie?

It really feels good to write sometimes...

1) Click to open.
2) Mouse over image.
3) Enlarge to read.

Just in case some of you can't enlarge or something,
1) Right click and save the images.
2) You can then open it and ZOOM.

Hehe... who am I kidding?!

Meow

Aren't cats the cutest things?!!!

Everybody now say "Awww...."

Obviously I was taking a breather when I chanced upon this clip. Looks like it's becoming a habit to post clips! People, tell me if it's really slow loading my page cos it loads almost instantaneously on my pc, so I don't really know.

Right now, I'm eating those Osborne crackers which Tokbang brought with laxpastej (salmon paste). Yumminess. Haha...

I will update slowly on what's been going on. On 6th May, my secondary school best friend got married! It was a simple affair so I didn't manage to meet other secondary schoolmates as there was this other girl besides myself. I met her family after so many years and they still recognised me although according to them, I "makin lawar". Hehe... Paisey... I replied casually, "skarang dah pandai pakai make-up!" Ahaha... Funny. Sometimes I say the silliest things that are unexpected. It really takes it out of the moment. Am I embarrassed? Sometimes, although there are times it alleviates sticky situations. Then again, I smile/laugh when I'm nervous, or when I don't know what to say. Well, at least it shows that I can take a jab at myself. Is this good? I know I risk being labelled a "bimbo". (But you all know I'm not one, right? Right?!!) Haha...

P/S: My jendul very wide eh? When I was in primary school, there were a few boys who teased me about my wide forehead... Because of them, I have become conscious of it cos look! It's even wider than Fazrul's lor... Wider than all my friends (no matter the race or gender). To look for me in pictures ah, just look for the sheen! Haha... Actually, not that funny ok. Luckily I "jambu". Ack! Ahahaha...

Disclaimer: This entry was posted at 0540h after a night of studying. Some whackiness is normal.

Same old, same old

Hello everyone... It's abt 0100h here and I'm taking a break before hitting the books. Tok Kamil, Tok Bang and Tok Ti are asleep and they're leaving tomorrow. They came to visit a makam and attend an event at a mosque here. Ok, gonna shower, brew coffee and study. Then this time, I won't miss them when they leave in the morning... which I did, the last time they were here. I sleep like the dead when I sleep... (choy choy choy!) haha...

Ok then, anticipate my return!

P/S: Someone really took the effort to make a real-life The Simpsons' opening clip!!! Semangat eh?

MSG

To all you old school out there!

Those who don't know, not monosodium glumate ah... aka ajinomoto.
It's the Michael Schenker Group.

Woohoo.

Marilah kita berdansa!

Is "dansa" really "dance" in malay? Haha... I'm not sure. It sounded strange as the voice read aloud the title as I typed. Well, as usual I'm gonna say I have lots of assignment to do but I'm happy cos I managed to squeeze in some reading! I just read The Amber Room and it was quite good. So now I'm really happy and should return to researching as soon as I finish this entry.

It's been raining the past few days so I've indulged in sleeping reading sleeping reading. How perfect. :-P Now I've gotta sleep research sleep research mug mug mug sleep sleep and stare at the pc with MS Word on. Haha... When I sleep, I can s.. l..e..e..p... but when I read, I r...e....a.....d..... so you can imagine when I study, I have so many textbooks plus notes... call me greedy. ~_^ Or is "kiasu" the word?! Haha... Likewise, when I have a sudden inspiration, no matter what time of the day, I can cook for hours! Then I end up cooking enough for 10 portions which will be eaten by only me and if lucky, Fazrul will try to finish everything. I doubt it's because it's not nice but really, no one in this house eats (home-cook).

I tell you, in this busy country, everyone is too used to eating out and eating fast. To sit at home and eat is but an indulgence. Which is why I miss cooking cos I still have yet to cook! Back to the busy-ness. People here love acting busy, looking busy, being busy. It's like when I say, I'm busy, it's like "wah... she's busy..." or "sorry to trouble you". Haha... funny cos I myself have been saying that I'm busy in the past few entries. Y'know, when you say you're busy, it's like this big reason (excuse) not to justify your absence (or MIA in any aspect). You reckon?

To all Singaporeans and busy people alike, when you walk as though you're in a marathon, please remember you're not in one and the people around you aren't your competitors, so don't "tsk" or frown. You inflict upon others that negativity. Smile instead. (If smiling would make you seem scary, then smile with your eyes). I don't care if you can walk faster to overtake me so you can tap your EZlink card at the gantry 8 seconds faster. Really, as fast as you all can walk, you only manage to shave off 10mins max, depending on distance. So please let (whichever mode of public transport) passangers alight before you do and when you do, I hope you're in the queue and not trying to squeeze in! It's so unfair to gracious people like me, squeaking "excuse me" as I wait in line and get pushed to the back or worse, under someone's armpits. Ok, I'm not playing victim but as timid as I am, I try stand my upright posture (thank the genes for broad shoulders) and do my "stare in bewilderment" to such abhorent ungraciousness hoping for some breathing space. Otherwise, I run my hands through my long curly hair and somehow, that scares people off. There's this kampung notion that long curly hair is a hot spot for kutu. Not that anyone mentions it but you can see it in everyone's reaction and no, it does not stink la. For the record, I love my long hair and I want it longer! Look at how I've deviated to condescend the lack of grace in this society!

What I wanted to say though, was, why is everyone always rushing? You rush to gain 5-10mins for what? Why not not rush, and take in the environment. See how the trees lining the pavement is doing. It's the flowering season now, did you notice that? See how the grass is doing. Is it as dry and yellow as it was last month? See how clean the pavement really is. Have we taken cleanliness for granted? See how the people in front of you are rushing. Do you really need to rush? You know, if you're in heels and your pants are getting tighter, the rushing could be pretty unflattering from the back. :-P So walk at a moderate pace for decency (and vanity). You tone your muscles better (especially if you walk long distances). Check out the clouds overhead. Do you see any nimbus (rain) clouds? Seek the silver lining in the sky and let that make your day. There's so much more to life than rushing off to busy-ness, really. Please switch off that TV and read the newspaper with a cuppa instead. Is there too much propaganda in print? How are our neighbours doing? How is our environment coping? What has degenerated? What has improved? ... ... ... Aren't we so lucky? :-) Thank Him.

So please, don't forget to hug the tree and thank it. Just think of a reason to thank it. There's so much to thank it for =)


For those who need a laugh at senseless behaviour ataupun mahu belajar berdansa style yang amatlah cool, click here

Yawn... long entry ahead!

Hasn't it been extremely quiet lately? I've been busy with school and I've lots of homework, assignments, projects and recently just finished my exams. But that is not over because come May, I have more exams!!! Ain't life interesting? I haven't even whipped something up in the kitchen cos I'd rather sleep now, instead of experimenting in the kitchen. The things I cook, I gotta go to certain shops to get herbs and ingredients... and I think now you know why I've been MIA in the kitchen. I miss cooking. Really.

I've been pondering a lot over many (I mean M-A-N-Y) things... quite unconsciously though. I cannot say what because my mind right now is like a sand dune. In the day, it's skewed to one side, and other times, it blows over to another... sometimes it plateau-s. And the elemental factor would be the wind, and the quality of the sand. Anyway, like I said, I cannot point a finger to the condition of my mind because every time I try to grab a handful of sand to examine, it just flows right through my fingers... Know what I mean? But if I were to contain a bottle of it, I would be restricted within the bottle. Like nature, it has to harmonise with every particle, every other elements... Meaning, you cannot take away a part of something. It becomes empty, or somewhat useless, because you know that if your hand were to be taken away for examination (assuming we can be assembled like the mannequin), you will not function fully because you need that hand. Ok, I know... you're not understanding me, ya? It's alright... We're not meant to be understood, really. We're all meant to be appreciated because I can teach everyone something and so can everyone, unto me. It's all about the harmony, isn't it? Well, ain't life suppose to be an opportunity to appreciate the beauty of creation?

Give yourself a few seconds to look up into the sky (beware staring into the sun unless you have on approved UV protection shades), and see the colours, the contours, and imagine how high up it is, how easy it is to understand the cloud formation, how easy it is for the eye to perceive a star like a tiny diamond, how close the moon looks... And then smile. =) A broad one. And think about how uneven the world is, how imperfect and asymmetrical it can be... That is beauty. Likewise, don't kill that poor ant on the table. Instead, watch it, observe its pattern of movement, check out its segmented body, what colour is it, try to look it in the eye... Observe the grass... the green sheen in sunlight, as a patch of green. Lean closer and observe the grass blades. Compare the sizes. Do you notice the fine hairs surrounding each blade? Do you notice its pattern of growth? I'm not talking about superficial beauty. I can look beautiful with make up, and plain without it. That, in itself is beauty. How we humans are so smart to be able to manipulate elements to our advantage, yet we are at the mercy of it all... ((I'm beginning to be incoherent now cos look at the time of my entry!)) Oh well, even right now as I stare into the computer, I wonder how amazing technology is. As far as I can comprehend, I can see what I see because of light (think photons) and the image being projected through the retina into the core of my brain, deciphering the image I perceive. As complicated as it sounds, it is so simple, so perfect, so logical... Yet how? Why?

Aren't we so lucky? Do I sound depressed? My heart tells me I'm not but I feel like my brain is trying to burst through my skull. Maybe I need lobotomy. No, I'm not that stressed from studying. I must say I can handle stress pretty well. =P Think I worry too much? Urrm... I don't think so... I don't know. To a certain extent definitely cos I wouldn't have input this entry otherwise. If you remember my previous entry, I mentioned I have voices 1)narrating my actions, 2)analysing my behaviour, 3)analysing everything else and 4)asking questions. There might be more but if I don't hear it right now, maybe I'm able to control it somehow. The one that drives me up the wall sometimes is voice number 4. It asks me questions ranging from stupidly lame ones to those (probably) unanswerable. Am I weird? I mean really... am I that W-E-I-R-D? See, I just input that cos voice #4 just called me weird. I know for sure I'm not bordering on crazy because I have control over myself, yet I have to learn to control my mind. I've always dreamt winning some recognition award for asking a question so obvious that nobody ever thought of it. Yes, I yearn for an eureka moment. Who doesn't?

Oh man... I think I need to try sleep now. My head is starting to throb. Anyway, to alleviate geram-ness at my previous two questions, the answers are:

1) You cannot end a sentence with "because" because "because" is a conjunction.
Heh... didn't see it coming did you? There might be a couple more variations and the key point is the function of the word "because". (Correct me if I'm wrong)

2) This one I'm not really sure. It varies, really... more like wordplay. My answer is SILENCE because silence is deafening. If you know more proverbs and idioms, you can manipulate it around. Some people say it's the VESSEL because the emptiest vessel makes the loudest noise. I think this answer like tak kena a bit.

To all my relatives (actually only you guys know this address), have a good weekend and learn a new thing each day!
The Elders: Take good care of health. Cut down the lemak and add some vroom to the fitness level.
Tok Kamil: About the dioxins... We have produced so many synthetic chemicals and even consume it! When we go fill up petrol, the fumes enter our system and stays there. It cannot be eliminated as well. Until the day we think we've produced everything and lived on it, another cycle will come in to reclaim that which we have 'cheated' on. Then we start finding excuses and reasons. We start being afraid and conscious. But really... can we truly go back the organic way then? (Do you think I'm bring naive and ignorant having said that?)
Kak Tessa: Thought you're coming down here end March. Then tak call me out sey... =P If you're coming, you know who have insights... Haha...
Lyna: Get well soon.
Kak Long: Have fun taking care of baby Nabil.
Finaz: Have fun in Muar.
Hairi: How's your cooking coming along?
Those still in school: Don't study too hard... just study smart can already. Haha...
To everyone I didn't mention: Don't forget to miss me. Haha... How cheesy is that?!
Me: Don't let the brain engulf me.

Everyone: Please hug that tree and thank it for the oxygen it has contributed to sustain us all! Do not try though, if it's crawling with kerengga! Peace :-)

it's time to squeeze the brain

Sorry I've been away for so long. For those of you who anticipate my entries, I apologise. I've been busy studying for my exams. I've got 4 papers next week and I have to submit my dissertation intro by this Friday. Wish me luck, pray for me, God help me. Why? My 4 papers next week are management modules!!! *Gasp* I hate it a lot because I cannot write and write and tell stories about how this company employed this and succeeded yet another company failed. I can't wait for my 2 science papers in May, only because I CAN study science. Frankly, I doubt I'll pass with a good honours because my management modules' results are horrendously mediocre. Even the 'A's I earn for science cannot compensate for a better average.

Anyhoo, congrats to Nazira and Shahril. I hope Nabil will not turn out like you, Shahril... Hehe... I think everyone is keeping their fingers crossed! At least you're good looking. (Happy now?) =)

Ok, till I post my next entry, I've got a question for everyone. Please think, alright? You MUST attempt to answer this question:

"Construct a sentence using the word 'because' 3 times consecutively."
Example: ... ... ... because because because... ...

This is no trick question, by the way.

One more question: What makes the loudest noise without making any sound?

p/s: Kak Tessa, you might know the answer so please don't spoil it in my comment box ok? Hehe... If you somehow don't know the sentence and probably dying for the answer, email me ;)

Yet again

Today, well yesterday, I woke up at 3am again! I couldn't return to sleep so I studied, had breakfast, cooked and then it was 7am, I read the newspapers. I dozed off in the afternoon because I was reading in bed.

In the evening, my migraine came on again. So I just popped a couple of Ibuprofen cos I didn't want to drink coffee in case I can't sleep. Yeah, ask me what time it is now!! Anyway, I don't know if the painkiller worked because I was in good company and I had a nice lemon milkshake so I guess I forgot about the pain.

What's up with me whining the whole week? Well, I'm having some problems with prospective issues. I'm not sleepless because it bugs me 24/7. I don't even think about it. It's just there, haunting me. I don't search for it. It lurks and will remain a parasite till my consciousness drain out. Fine, I exaggerate.

Thanks to Kak Tessa and Kak Long for the tips on the previous entry. Of course the best is to shut yourself in a dark room and try to sleep but what if you have work to do? What if you have school? What if you cannot sleep? Which is probably why it was bad for me cos the more I try to relax and sleep, the more I cannot sleep. Wicked. I even take warm milk with honey but they just make my tummy feel queasy (although it's slurping good).

Worry not everyone. I will go for yoga tomorrow to destress. That is, if I can sleep within the next half an hour.

What's my muse?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence

You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things. Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments. You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it. You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle. You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Everything is right except for the math part. I can do math but I don't like it. Those numbers and formulae don't make sense. How many formulae/theories which you learnt in school have you managed to apply in life? Only the most basic trigo and algebra... some statistics too. That's about it, unless your profession demands some mathematical calculations for dimensions.

Beware: Turbulent emotions ahead!

I'm awake at this time cos I woke up at 3am! Elinn was making some noise and I woke up, having slept barely 2 hours. I've been sleeping early and I wake up way too early. I tossed and turned in bed in the dark for over an hour and succumbed to this damned wakefulness. Is that a word? I have a splitting headache, probably due to not having enough sleep this whole week. I've been sleeping 3 hours per day on average this week! Have you noticed the number of exclamation marks I've used?! There I go again.

I have an extremely big problem (possibly) to muse on. Hence the lack of sleep? I don't know. I'm not even sure if I should type it out here. However, I do not know how to tackle it. And this whole week, I've had dark, puffy eyes from the lack of sleep. Maybe I'm overreacting. I do not know. But I'm seething with discontentment. I hate negativity. It's the only hate I have for in the world. All I want to do is sleep like a baby. Ok, like a cat. I just want to sleep... a lot. I'm very tired. Yet I can't sleep. Everyone thinks I sleep a lot just because I wake up late. But in reality, I do not sleep well. When I sleep long hours, it's cos I didn't sleep the previous night! Also, I hate morning sun.

I just had coffee to 'relax' this migraine of mine (and stay sane the rest of the day). Looks like it's starting to act up again (it has been a year!!!). I prefer taking coffee for migraines than to take those pills. They make you horribly nauseous. Well, it never worked for me anyway. Of all ailments I dislike are nauseousness, migraine and constipation/diarrhoea. Nauseousness and constipation/diarrhoea because they make my stomach feel horribly funky and it feels like toxins are flowing through my system and it makes me weak and double up in bed. Migraine because it impedes my thinking (or make me think of everything at one time, like many voices in my head) and my head throbs... also along with migraine comes nauseousness... and I'm like a vampire, meaning I cannot be near bright light. And my eyes cannot focus properly and smells like perfume and rubbish makes me super giddy. That's why I want to sleep. I dread sunrise. Sure, some of you will say that I have not seen the rest of it! True.

I think I made my coffee too strong cos I'm starting to grind my teeth and clench my jaw. I hate migraines. The nauseousness is already kicking in. I wanted to go for the yoga class at 7am later but with my mind in torrential weather, it will make yoga redundant. Along with the lack of sleep, I don't want to pass out midday.

You know, I'm afraid I might have schizophrenia (or some other mental disorder). I mean, I don't have split personalities. Just that everything I do, there's always a voice narration, and sometimes, there's another voice arguing over some logic or stupidity. It drives me crazy. It doesn't happen all the time but when there are so many voices, I just clench my jaw tight and try to ignore it. The voices don't tell me to commit vices so it's not the satan right? It's crazy cos even as I type right now, a voice is narrating what I'm doing and typing while another is reprimanding me for my inept usage of grammar and vocab. This is the voice that reminded me there's too many "!" and "and".There's another voice telling me to scream. It's chaotic in this head of mind. It's throbbing and I really dread the impending sunrise.

Right now, my head and nose is swooning in pain because mummy is leaving for work and the smell of perfume and soap is so painful! I hope Alann will not use the adidas deodorant which is so strong it hits my nasal passage, forking into my head and stomach. Ok, he did. Chanel perfume + adidas deo is already making me cringe in pain, clenching my jaw. This is why I never use perfume. I always scold Fazrul for using perfume whenever he brings breakfast before going to school. The bugger just loves perfume. Even after 6 years, it's so difficult to comprehend that my nasal passage is extremely sensitive in the mornings. I mean, use perfume to school for what? It's not for me cos I don't appreciate perfume. Most young men stink anyway. Especially when their school is on a hill...

I'm really trying to stay sane, which I usually am anyway. Although lack of sleep + migraine + nausea + voices in my head + long day might make me cranky by midday.

You have been forewarned. (But really, I'm not that mean... and no, it's not a mood swing.)

Apparently I have nothing better to do...

You're GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip!! You're

strong, tough, and know how to kick some ass.

Don't forget though, no matter how manly you

think you are, you're still just a doll. God

Bless America.
What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Is it that obvious that I'm "manly" or "guy-ish"? Cos I'm in girly clothes most of the time... with boots. Damn weird... The more quizzes I do, the more I picture myself as a transvestite! Wait... I'm not so sensitip. Ok la.

For girls with broadband and nothing to do...
You might enjoy these clowns. Somehow, the guy in the background seem oblivious to the ruckus going on. It's idiotic, really.
Guys, if you have high tolerance capacity, you may click. Hehe...

Quizzes for the fairer gender

Your Are a Bold Brunette

Men see you as striking and mysterious - you have a certain allure. Comfortable in your own skin, you know you have a unique beauty. You don't mind attention, but you don't need to seek it out.

How Blonde Are You?

Although sometimes, we are empowered to "behave blonde" and it helps. Like you never have to carry those heavy groceries and chip a fingernail!

You're a Window Shopper!

You know that shopping's a blast, but you prefer to save your money You hardly ever give into an impulse buy, unless it's a total steal You've always got the most money of your friends - and you never have to borrow And you've got a nice wardrobe too ... of classic pieces that last years!

Are You a Shopaholic?

Probably cos I'm unemployed! Haha... Although sales make me feel afraid of women.

You Are a Tomboy

You're having too much fun to bother with nail polish and crazy diets. Guys are instead impressed by how much you know and do!

How Girlie Are You?

I am somewhat a "guy" in mind. Don't know about tomboy though...

You Are An Independent Girlfriend!

Whoa, Ms. Independent! Your guy digs your modern style... But he's sometimes left to wonder if you really like him. Keep that unique spirit, but show him your love a bit more often. No worries - you're light years away from smothering him!

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

Good to be independent right. Dear are you suffering or what? No right...

You Have Him Totally Hooked

Your guy is all yours - and happily so. He loves being around you, and he totally sees you as a couple. It looks like you two have a great future together - if you want it!

Do You Have Him Hooked?

I must say it's somehow true. Don't know how I did it. Girls, there's no secrets.

Your Relationship Will Last... A Long Time!

Your guy is ideal, as close to Mr. Perfect as he could be If you took this quiz, you may be doubting that... Don't! No guy is perfect but yours comes really close You guys will last for many years, as long as you appreciate him!

How Long Will Your Relationship Last?

Errm... Can we trust these quizzes? Cos they all seem so true! I mean it and it's freaky.

Thoughts

This week has been filled with regular blog postings.

Last night (morning), I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to play a game on my hp in case it got my brain excited so I did something dull by scrolling through my contacts and deleting obsolete contacts. When it came to T,
Tasha
Tok Ayah
Tok Bang
Tok Ti

Tok Ayah. Instinctively, in the mode that I was in, I was about to delete it. Then... A weird realisation fell upon my conscience. I couldn't bring myself to. It was like wiping out the trace of a material existence. I was overcome by confusion and sadness... and reality. No doubt, the number will no longer be in use.

I thought about the house, the one incentive to look forward to when I'm northbound. Then I thought about how often I have used that contact, that is, calling that number. I thought about the person, my hp contact, with that number. Tok Ayah.

I still don't refer to them as arwah or the late. Is this wrong?

It's really difficult putting my thoughts into words right now. If I delete, it's like the contact disappears into oblivion. And if I don't, it will constantly bug my conscience. It seems so wrong. Somewhat a taboo.

Maybe it bugs my conscience because I have less memories of him compared to everyone else. Yet I hold on to my hp contact, Tok Ayah, to remind me that he was material and that I connected to him. Maybe technology really creates more problems for us. Not one of difficulty but of ethics. Then again, I digress as always.

I did not delete this precious contact.

If Klang is no more, where do I go? There's no more a place, by default. It makes me feel so lost.

By the way, I took Tok Ayah's scented (something like minyak attar) tasbir home. Call it the subconscious or the spiritual, but my room was filled with that scent when I got home today. Of course it's unusual as it hangs on the shelf above my bed.

My mind is turbulent with mixed feelings right now and even with 3 hours of sleep last night (this morning), I still cannot sleep now which is why I decided to blog.

I hate to be so emo but this is actually something serious. Someone tell me I'm not going mad. It's overwhelming.

P/S: Somehow, a few of us have current entries on Tok Ayah, and mine is purely coincidental.

Apologies

My sidebar is becoming packed with links I feel worthy to have a stand. It feels like I am beginning to seem like an activist of sorts and I should change my wallpaper filled with psychedelic peace symbols! Maybe I will... when I know how. I'm quite IT-challenged, if it isn't obvious yet.

Apologies to all if my sidebar links are causing any discomfort. I'm not preaching anything. I just want to share stuff that people usually take for granted.

I still cannot remember the song! Anyone from the hippie era, please enlighten me.

Yes, I've got Jefferson Airplane on my playlist now.

Disclaimer: Don't worry. As weird as I seem, as queer as to why I do not really conform, I am not crazed (or glazed, if you're that worried). Wait, is this disclaimer weird or what?

I can't remember!

The past 2 weeks, I have been listening to radio (Gold 90fm - mostly oldies). Why? Because I suddenly forgot the song that sang about the dying trees... I do not know if Gold 90fm plays it but I'm just hoping they'll miraculously play it and refresh my memory.

I do not like to forget.

Especially if they were things which could've made a difference.
I hope.

I'm a sucker for quizzes

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!
by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Take the Book Quiz

I do not know about being able to inspire faith or even being an agent of higher powers. Hopefully the reason is that I am still too young => An obvious sign is that I work in "mysterious" ways (talk about shameless) though I'm doubtful about the "loud" part. So do I think this quiz holds truth?

You be the judge!

You are the driest area on Earth. Your annual rainfall is roughly the depth of a dollar bill. In fact, often you can go for several years without any precipitation whatsoever. If you wanted to fill a pint glass by rainfall alone, you would have to have started in 1704, five years before the invention of the piano; to get enough water to drown a man of average height would take 3600 years, or the time between us and the Hittites. You really put Canadian "dry" ginger ale into perspective.

Which Extremity of the World Are You?

Likely.

Dream Theater

Dream Theater was so good... They rocked the stadium down. Unfortunately (or fortunately), security were everywhere, by every gate. A bunch of malaysians (with flags) started headbanging by the railing. They couldn't have injured anyone but they were all out. And the police came and tried to stop them and everything... It's a rock concert! Anyways, the police just stood around watching over the malaysians like a hawk. As for everyone else, photography of anykind were not allowed. Some people took out their handphones and in the darkness, security can see it. They pop out of nowhere with their torchlights telling you to keep it. And other security start pushing you away telling not to block the path. What path? Anyhow, Dream Theater's performance made up for all the uptightness of the management.

In general, the crowd was pretty tame. Everyone stood up and held the hands up in the air singing along, while a handful (gently) headbanged. There was no moshing or any of the actions you see on MTV. No fights. Nothing. Everyone was just there to watch Dream Theater. After 20 years in the industry, it was a treat. One for the treasure box.

Reunion dinner?

Saturday night I prepared some mega steamboat at home... By that, meaning scallops, fish, and everything else la, bought by my mom, prepared by me. We were so full, we could barely move.

Then last night, we had a buffet dinner at Royal Plaza on Scotts with my family and my aunt's family. We probably sat for 2 hours!!! We rested in between with chocolate fondue with coffee, and continued again and again. Oh heart be still! I know... as shocking as it may sound, we (or probably just me) overate! And I had to go back my mrt and walk...

And later, my family is going for seafood dinner at Clarke Quay. Again?!!! I told my mom, we can always cancel the reservation. But I'm already imagining dipping my fried mantou bun in the tangy chilli crab sauce... *drools*

There you go! Have a good holiday. I gotta rush getting ready now. Chilli crab is awaiting ;-)

P/S: Chocolate fondue...
Fruit pieces on a stick
Marshmallows on a stick
Warm dark chocolate fountain

Oh, alright...

Hello hello...

Ok, so I have succumbed... Lyna convinced me to resurrect my blog and here it is. Unknown to you, I can be boring. It's really kinda weird knowing your elders read it! Plus, I have to watch my language... Ahaha... not that I'm a vulgar person to begin with.

If you look through my archives and read right from the beginning (which has been almost 2yrs) you'll realise that I can be incessantly incoherent. Might make reading easier but understanding difficult. Well, don't try to understand. My brain works in strange ways that I can't always catch up with it. Of course, I'm not saying I'm some genius (or the other opposite extreme). Just that the human body is one of the wondrous creations that as deep as science delves, it's almost impossible to comprehend its character.

Ok, my mesin now is quite karat (with respect to blogging and other things maybe). For starters, I have no breaking news except that come 27th (this Friday), I'm going for the 20th anniversary tour concert of Dream Theater! I am so excited!!! Somehow, excitement makes me hungry. And just thinking about being excited, I'm hungry right now. I know, it's weird. But I think, it's possibly due to the fact that excitement stimulates the secretion of adrenaline and adrenaline makes your heart, lungs and muscle work harder to prepare for fight or flight. This expands energy (probably miniscule in calorie counts) and somehow or rather, certain centres in the brain demand compensation such as food and rest. As weird as it sounds, I just theorised something which may pass off as a fact, and I'm not saying I'm wrong. Just that based on what I've studied, it might be true!

There you go, this entry ends with something incoherent as I've forewarned.